Updated: Sep 13, 2022
Yesterday I had an appointment with my therapist, later my psychiatrist, I was informed by my psychiatrist that I fit the mold for Borderline Personality Disorder. For those that don't know, Borderline Personality Disorder is a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes self-image issues, difficulty managing emotions and behavior, and a pattern of unstable relationships.
As I talked to my wife last night about being diagnosed, which I will speak with my therapist about during my next session. Assuming I do get diagnosed with it I realized how liberating that actually is for me. When I got diagnosed with ADHD, it was both a blessing and a curse. I felt like I finally knew why I was the way I was. But at the same time, it allowed me to far too easily explain away my explosive meltdowns and my constant people-pleasing that caused me so much shame. I began to lose hope in myself because I knew that, although somewhat manageable, my ADHD was going to be with me for the rest of my life. And in my mind, that meant that all the worst parts of myself were stuck with me as well.
As I discovered more about ADHD, however, I began to find that more and more people were able to control these things far better than I was and I began to realize that there had to be something else underlying that was causing the issues. I had gone through multiple therapists who had tried general mindfulness exercises to help me control my meltdowns, none of which worked that well.
And then yesterday, when I was told that I might actually have this, a huge weight was lifted off of me. Borderline Personality Order is a trauma-derived condition. This means that it isn't something I'm stuck with for the rest of my life. If I can work through the trauma I've experienced in my life, then there's a chance I can actually get past this and maybe even cure myself of. Which would leave nothing but my ADHD which I have genuinely come to love some aspects of. Now hopefully, once I do get past this, I can finally let my self-esteem heal and start loving myself for who I am.
I know I've got a long road ahead and quite a bit of trauma to overcome. But at least I can see a pinhole of light at the end of this super long, dark, tunnel finally.